Can I help you?

Imagine this scenario: An old friend is coming to visit from out of town, and you’ve offered them to crash at your place. How would you treat them while you are hosting them?

You’d probably do everything you can to make them feel welcome and at home. Maybe you’d cook them dinner, take them to check out the town, or buy them a drink. Maybe all of the above. Either way, you would probably try your best to treat them well and to make them feel comfortable.

Now, let’s flip that scenario. Let’s say you’re traveling to visit an old friend, and they have graciously offered to let you stay at their place. They want to buy you dinner and take you to see the local attractions in the city. While you’re excited to see them, you might be concerned about not imposing too much or being an inconvenience. Maybe even simple things stress you out and make you feel less comfortable. “Umm, I need to brush my teeth, hope I’m not bothering you too much.” (Okay, probably not that bad, but you get the idea.)

While trying not to impose is certainly meaning well, the irony is that it can make both folks less comfortable. The friend feels stressed about the host being inconvenienced, and the host feels like they aren’t a good host because the friend is stressed.

Welcome to my life for the past several weeks.

I recently quit my corporate job, moved out of my apartment, and have been living out of my minivan for three weeks now. I’ve been traveling the country to explore whatever adventures come up, whether it’s visiting friends, national parks, or meeting new people. It’s been pretty awesome.

I’m also lucky enough to have some amazing friends in my life. While I haven’t gotten to see all of them (yet!), the ones that I have visited have been – you guessed it – super awesome hosts. (Shoutout to Sarah, Dan & Fiona, Hanna, Charlie & Elyssa, Matt & Shannon, and James & Sydney so far for dealing with my tomfoolery. If y’all were on airbnb you’d obviously be superhosts. ❤ )

You might be thinking, “Well, Peter, why don’t you just chill out and actually make yourself at home? Isn’t that the easy answer to this?”

And I would say, Yes. Yes it is. Thanks for coming to my ted talk. That is all.

Okay, but more seriously, it’s easier said than done. As I’ve continued to stay with more people, I think I’m getting better at it, but staying with so many people actually makes it a bit more difficult too. One friend buys me dinner, then another friend buys me dinner again, and then someone else cooks for me, and then I get taken out to lunch, and then my drinks are paid for, and then… well, you get the idea. If I didn’t feel a bit guilty to start with, I definitely do now. What am I, some kind of freeloader?

I’ve also been thinking about the other perspective. If I was the host, and if one of my friends was doing the van life, and if they were being treated by all of their other friends, I’d still want to spoil them. So, what’s going on here? Why is this so hard for me?

Think about when someone offered to help you. Did it ever feel a bit awkward? Maybe there’s some ego involved because you feel like you can get by without help, or maybe you don’t want to feel like you’re taking advantage of them.

Also think about a time when you helped someone else. It probably felt pretty good, right? We’re wired to help people. It brings purpose, encourages empathy, and overall helps contribute to making the world a better place. Perhaps you’ve even been frustrated when you see someone that could really use your help, but they continue to decline your offers.

Overall, we should be more receptive to receiving help, even if it may not be immediately intuitive, since it is a benefit for both sides.

So, to all of the folks who hosted me, YOU should be thanking ME! I did you all a favor by letting you host me. Like, jeez, you’re welcome. (Just kidding lol.)

As with all things, there’s definitely a balance to this. It would certainly be a dick move to go around feeling entitled to other people going out of their way to help you. That being said, I imagine many people are on the side of the spectrum where we could be better about receiving help without being so uncomfortable about it. To everyone who has helped me (and to those who will), thank you so much for everything. You are amazing. I’ll try to not to be so awkward about it in the future. (No promises though because I’m pretty awkward.)